White magic is the use or employment or intentional application of Divine Energies to effect a “healing process” on the physical plane. A healing process is, most basically, the purifying of some “expression” coming through on the physical plane so that it comes ever closer to being a pure transmitter of divine light. In esoteric language, we can say that White Magic is ritual in private or in group form, that is geared to bring about “heaven on Earth.”
To use a definition of contrast, it is most unlike Black Magic in that it does not infringe on free will by force. It does not seek to manipulate or “haunt.” And yet, it is “introduced” and “suggested.” White Magic does produce situations in which a choice to transcend can be made. That is, it can bring someone to a “forked path” where one road takes them into the same old cycle, while the other one takes them to a higher expression of their divinity through expanded understanding of Self and Self in Manifestation or Form, also know as “inclusive consciousness.” 
Basic Guidelines for White Magic
Thus, White Magic has two important stages for those that are “casting the spells.”
1. The performing of the ritual with pure Divine Intent.
That is, the intention of the ritual must be sensed from the Soul Urge or Signal of the one casting the spell. They must not do it for their own ego/small mind desires lest they slip into Black Magic - no matter how “good” their intentions may be in such a case.
- Addendum: the Sourcerer (mis-spelling intentional and gender neutral) must practice within the means of their own training so that their tools can be used skillfully and consciously. No pretending is allowed, and all pretending will be less than effective.
2. Those casting the spells - Sourcerers - must otherwise teach awareness of the choice point. They must dedicate themselves to feeding into the collective information stream that information which cultivates awareness of these moments in life when a difficult decision must be made.
This is ultimately the first stage of educating humanity that “there is something else going on behind the scenes.”
- Addendum: It is important for the Sourcerer to emphasize the importance of “looking behind the curtain” so that the students may prove to themselves that what takes place on the stage of life is not the ultimate “real.”
“In terms of the evolution of consciousness then, everything is moving forward purposefully towards greater inclusiveness and expression of the ONE LIFE - ordered motion being a fundamental characteristic of manifested being.”
These two processes combined will start to shift the approach of the masses towards life. Not only will the Sourcerer be giving them more choice points, but they will understand the significance of choice while starting to see themselves as more that just what apppears in the mirror. When we realize that there are deeper lessons to be learned in moments of choice, we begin to see our life in terms of a Soul having a human experience to expand its consciousness. We become more than the flesh and bone body.
Honor Free Will
Choice-points can be rejected every time. This, in one phrasing, can be said to be a temporary “refusal of healing.” We say temporary because once the choice point is presented, it will not be so easy to forget, and from that point other versions of it will begin to form as a “recurring dream” that won’t really go away until it is confronted intelligently. In other words, when a Cycle is ready to be completed it won’t take no for an answer.
This brings us to a third general rule to which the Sourcerer should adhere if they are to remain strict practitioners of White Magic. All spells cast are general and not specific. The specifics work themselves out through the energy field of the individual consciousness affected by the spell. The fields of energy which make up their body, and which overlap with their Akaskic records will take the spell as a request with a certain code. If there are certain stories in the “files” of the spell’s receiver (be that receiver individual, group, or nation) that correspond to the spell’s general code, then one or more of them may be brought out to be worked out in the conscious life experience as a choice point.
Therefore, you as the Sourcerer, are not trying to teach anyone a lesson or fix anyone. Again, this is how to stay away from self-serving tendencies that are the hallmark of Black Magic.
Let us take this time to say that even if you tried to engage in Black Magic, you would most likely not succeed and would only waste a lot of time and energy—unless you sensed the energetic sacrifice necessary to complete the spell. If you could bring yourself to commit such sacrifice, then it is clear that you have no business as a White Magician, and that, again, you will only be fruitlessly burning energy in your attempts to reproduce the guidance laid out in this article. Black Magic is rapidly dying away on this planet, and those that pledge their lives to it will, soon enough, find that they cannot thrive here, to put it euphemistically.
Practical Application - White Magic in Art
Perhaps the most widely known form of White Magic in the modern healing arts scene is Distance Reiki. If you have been trained in in this technique—you are Level 2 Attuned—then a lot of what has been shared in this article will sound familiar.
Here I will use Distance Reiki to give you an example of how to expand your influence. They key concept is “overlap” or “recombination.” You can begin to bring Reiki into other expressions. For example, if you have talents of any kind in the creative arts (remember, a talent means that you can create something that is magnetic enough that others want to pay some close attention to it) you can infuse your creations with the Reiki energy so that those who consume your art—if it is appropriate for them and where they are on their path—are presented with choice points upon receiving the “packets of energy” your creation transmits to them.
As you begin to merge your healing art and creative art, you may even start to notice a change in the themes you work with in creative art, and this will begin to attract a different clientele, one that is receptive to receiving choice points. It is even allowed to share with your clientele that they are “consuming” “healing art.” This will also give you the opportunity to teach the concept of choice points and how to use them most effectively so that life is ever more a continuous flow of growth and expansion.
Yes, it is possible to be a “high level” soul (relatively speaking; imagine if you graduated to the level of a planetary consciousness) and, in the Earth experience, feel completely the opposite of high level. But, what can we do about this? It all comes down to knowing ourselves and being true to who we are. Luckily we don’t always have to try so hard to get ahead in life.
“We are free to do whatever we want and we don’t have to wait around for anybody else to figure it out!”
All it takes is one life to get you caught in samskara cycle of human drama, of conflict and desire. The moment you become emotionally imprinted through the struggle of conflict and desire that makes up the human drama, you start to believe the drama as the defining point of reality.
Because it becomes the basis of your reality, it becomes the basis of your identity, since you believe yourself defined by what takes place for you in the enveloping environment that is the stage of the human drama. The more you feed into this and identify with this illusory struggle, the more real it becomes.
It is the real matrix in negative form and it is all self-created. Your emotional astral body becomes “jam-packed” with samskara, illusory perception of emotional strife, trauma, and aspiration towards illusory sources of safety and satisfaction.
Addiction as clinging or rejection.
The illusion can become so thick, and the astral (emotional) body so exacerbated, that almost all semblance of your true soul nature is obscured. The intricacy of this matrix becomes all the more ornate by how it is shared with the family and the greater collective. It is a shared burden that is self-perpetuating.
Transmigrational Baggage - Drama Codes
This can even happen to a soul that is in its power in early incarnations - for it is possible that it came to this planet in an advanced state - but after so many returns the “forgetting of self” that comes with each incarnation became all the more entrenched as this “God individualized” slipped into the drama cycle.
Each time the soul incarnate dies, it takes the basic imprint of accumulated drama tendencies or samskaras into its deeper system where they remain to be replayed in the new situational configurations of subsequent lives. The basic patterns of samskaras are like codes that have no image or recognizable action until they are brought again into manifestation by the soul incarnate, and it is here that they may be resolved, even if they had been acquired in previous incarnations.
The codes bring up opportunities for rehashing the drama so that it may be approached in a way that shows the illusion has no longer pulled one over on us. If it is rehashed but not resolved, then the soul has been tricked by the illusion again, and the illusion becomes still more real for the soul. As the samskara is cleared with proper guidance, the illusion loses its power and the soul starts to catch on so that it does not continue to create new samskaras.
Remember - The Soul Urge
This is what we mean when we say that the work of the soul is “remembering.” Remembering is the process of clearing all the “emotional baggage” that resides in this astral vehicle so that it may see itself clearly. When the samskara are cleared, the astral body becomes a reliable transmitter of the Soul Urge, and what was once animalistic desire becomes high, refined aspiration that takes the soul on a conscious journey of navigating the enveloping environment in a strategic way, using the mental body instead of emotional reactivity and the constant striving for what was, at bottom, “feeling good.”
Under the soul urge, feeling good is also achieved, but it is not for the sheer sake of the chemical release, but because, at this point, the soul recognizes itself as part of the collective, and a divine spark, and knows that its actions are refining its Light.
So, again we say, this is the next step of evolution of the planet.
Being the soul as it is so that the samskara cycle and astral illusion may be done and the game may be played consciously.
Sleep to wake!
One way to get ahead of the game is to simply rest. Resting takes you outside of the circle of linear time. If you are always in the circle of linear time, then it is the sole defining point of your reality.
Resting is taking back your time. You have been on someone else’s clock since birth.
Start to take short dips into the greater reality beyond. If traditional meditation doesn’t work for you, it is better to lie down and plug the ears and blindfold yourself for fifteen minutes, three times a day. Fifteen-twenty minutes is ideal, because it takes you in just deep enough to calm your nervous system so that you can catch wind of any messages you have missed in your frenzy of doing doing doing.
It will take you outside linear time just enough to start slowing your system down so that you can begin to listen more clearly.
The regular practice - even after just a few days - will calm you so that you are less prone to emotional reactivity and living from using the emotional response to make decisions, chasing the “good feeling.”
It will give you space to slow down and listen to what you need.
You must slow down and do nothing.
You cannot do enough to escape. The circle of linear time is a hamster wheel. You’ll never run fast enough and “somebody’s” got that wheel hooked up to a generator and they’re profiting off your struggle.
Stop running and get out of the circle of linear time and rest. Close your eyes and listen, then, when you “do,” your action will be on your own terms, and you will change the world from the inside out.
The following is a series of notes that were taken during one sitting while I was in and out of meditation on the ninth of September 2019. I have done my best to create some reference for any obscure terminology.
Planetary Evolution is Astral Healing
When the astral body  is clear of emotional distortion, it becomes a transmitter of the soul urge. This is when it is serving the soul, as opposed to the ego/animal. Serving the ego/animal is an act of survival and is connected to fight or flight mentality. Making life decisions one hundred percent of the time from fight or flight mentality is a recipe for turmoil begetting turmoil. Clearing the emotional body is a courageous act which also builds courage. To release the pain from your system you must confront the pain without still believing that you are in danger. The lessons you learn from handling the illusion of danger will end the fear of death. When you truly no longer fear death, you will be in full alignment with the positive function of the astral body and will seamlessly live the soul urge.
You Are the Dalai Lama Too
The matrix is not out to get us. But it is we who must recognize the clues it sends to unlock the puzzle. One of these clues is the Dalai Lama. We are all like him in that each life we have had is really part of one continuous life. The lessons we learn from life to life are - or can be to some greater or lesser effect - accumulative. This means it is possible to be born in this life and, with the right training, be caught up so that your personality expression matches your ego expression, your ego expression being that part of you which lives and grows from one life to the next, that part of you which does not die or perish but which carries the imprint of your learning with it. What this means is that the personality expression is often an unintentional mask for the ego. It is a mask we do not know that we wear. The mask is made of materials from our own past karma, that of our family, and even that of the collective. When we clear this astral fog, the true self shines through as it is in its actual level of development. When this happens, we are able to advance much more rapidly, especially because we are supported by a system that is run by souls who know how to bring this true self out of us and to show us how to cultivate it further. Furthermore, this way of life is normalized by being in a group awareness of this process where our comrades share the experience along the way. Right now, what is normal is to believe that only special people like the Dalai Lama can do something like this, while people like us must only go on living normal lives.
It’s time to make a new normal - or to adjust our perception to match the reality. This is exactly why when you reach a point where you have found people who wish to walk the path of self-realization with you, to leave this community and return to the “real world” is a gravely foolish act. It may feel like you are living in an isolated wonderland, but this will not be the case if you are doing the work to clear your astral body so that the broadcast of your soul light can come through clearly. And it will not be the case if you thereupon live your soul urge, no matter where it takes you. The new consensus reality is created in Community.
Samaskara - Transmigrational Traumatic Impressions
It becomes less and less likely to create new samskaras the more you clear your astral body and mentally polarize, or live from guiding the light of your soul through the management of the mental body.  This is because you do not make decisions that are based in emotional reaction, which is how you end up in the samskara cycle to begin with. Samskara begets samskara.
1 - The astral or desire body (sometimes called the emotional body) is the effect of the interplay of desire and of sentient response upon the self at the centre, and the resultant effect—in that body—is experienced as emotion and as pain and pleasure and the other pairs of opposites. In these two bodies, the etheric and astral bodies, ninety percent of the causes of physical disease and troubles is to be found. ["Esoteric Healing" Alice Baily]
2 - The mental body, or that much of the chitta or mind stuff which an individual human unit can use and impress, constitutes the fourth of the series of mechanisms at the disposal of the soul. At the same time let it not be forgotten that these four constitute one mechanism. Five percent of all modern disease originates in this body or state of consciousness, and here I wish to enunciate the truth that the constant reiteration by certain schools of healers that the mind is the cause of all sickness is not as yet a fact. A million years hence, when the focus of human attention has shifted from the emotional nature to the mind, and when men are essentially mental as today they are essentially emotional, then the causes of disease must be sought in the mind realm. They are today to be found (except in a few rare cases) in lack of vitality or in too much stimulation, and in the realm of feeling, of desires (thwarted or over-indulged) and in the moods, suppressions, or expressions of the deep-seated longings, irritations, secret delights and the many hidden impulses which emanate from the desire life of the subject. ["Esoteric Healing" Alice Baily]
The internal feelings, called by some traditions the “emotional body,” amount to a spectrum of vibratory states. We can say, for simplicity’s sake, that one end of the spectrum is love and the other hate. One magnetism, the other rejection or repulsion. The nuances in between are many and nonlinear/multidimensional, and we are not going to explore this at this time. For now we are here to talk about our inherent goodness, or Virtue, which links us to the frequency of love. It is the frequency of that true nature that has its origins in the All One Divine Consciousness (“Atma” in Sanskrit). It is an Angel (Jivatma) and it emits pure love, and with this love it permeates all, and is receptive to the states of others, even when those “others” are not in alignment with Love.
Loving kindness. The Sanskrit word is Metta. Metta is a frequency we tap into and cultivate. The cultivation is really a remembering, and we do it out of choice. In this world of duality, we have free will, do we not? This is the secret of our personal power—choice. We may have to obey the rules of duality—or Polarity—but it is to our great disadvantage to forget that among these rules is our ability to choose.
You—we—are like a “programmable generator of resonance” (you know, one of those!). Through choice we can be one expression/frequency or another. For a long time, it has been forgotten by humanity that choice is available, and that through choice we may cultivate certain states of being, or modulate our resonance. We are not and never have been a victim of circumstance.
In the previous blog entry about the “science of deity worship,” I talked about attuning oneself to the “frequency” of the deity, or what energetic gift the deity is meant to convey. To reap the benefits of “deity worship” one must be “devoted.” What this means is that it takes persistence and faith in oneself and the process or system in order to bring about lasting change. A shift in personal resonance is an entraining of the system that slowly accustoms it to the new way of vibrating. You have to give your system time to make the transition.
This is because to change your own symphony of frequencies, other voices in that symphony will be affected as well. Some will be done away with completely, or to the point where they are barely more than a memory, because they will be incompatible with the new way of being that the frequency brings in. The Static of behavior patterns and thought cycles dissolve.
Thus, to return to the frequency of virtue, the Inner Angel, Loving Kindness, or whatever term you want to put to it, if you want to really live naturally in this frequency, certain voices like cynicism, pessimism, hopelessness, and so on cannot co-exist with it. So all the parts of your egoic story that have contributed to the integration/assimilation of this energy that is incompatible with Metta will have to be healed/resolved.
Expect, therefore, when calling in the new energy—the higher vibration—for there to be tears as your system adjusts its compatibility. Be with the tears and let them express, knowing that they are not your eternal nature, knowing that they are soon going to reveal their impermanence as they finish, leaving you lighter and more connected to your present space-time.
Bring in Virtue, let it shine out in “feeling light” from your heart and permeate every cell of your being. Let go and know that you are an Angel, a Divine Spark, and that your goodness deserves to be celebrated and shared with the Human Family.
That’s right, I used “science” and “religion” in a phrase that is not meant to differentiate the two. To keep things clear, let it be known that I am using that sacred word that is the defining system of our modern times in a way that deviates from the standard definition. Science, in this case, can mean something more systematic and effective that mere wishful thinking or superstition.
So how could deity worship be scientific? In case you don’t know, I am a “professional” leader of Kirtan and an ongoing student of Bhakti Yoga. I was given the honor of leading Kirtan sessions by my Guides back in 2013, and made my first public appearance during Mahashivaratri 2016 at the Mahasiddha School in Chiang Mai, Thailand. Kirtan an event brought about by a group of people who wish to come together and chant powerful Sanskrit phrases to various deities in order to manifest certain states of consciousness that would be beneficial for both the individual, the group, and even the planet. Sounds like hocus pocus, right? If you feel this way, by the time I am done writing, I probably will not have changed your mind in this regard, but you will see that there is more going on than mass imagination if you are willing to open up to what I share and drop your own preconceived notions about what you believe “is.”
Every time I lead a Kirtan event, I have in attendance many westerners who are participating for the first time. Being aware of my audience and their background - am I not one of them? - I know that it is my duty to coax them towards dismantling their preconceived notions about what I am going to ask them to do, which, yes, looks a lot like deity worship.
When a westerner, or sectarian non-Hindu, thinks of deity worship, in most cases they imagine mass delusion, that all of these devout kneelers and prayers have been possessed by superstitious tendencies and see reality through the distorted lenses of their misguided imaginations. Certainly ain’t science! It is the priests - their leaders - who are to blame for propagating this “nonsense.” The whole society is wrapped up in a matrix of misinformation and hallucination. Self-fulfilling prophecy par exellance.
You may be thinking that I’m about to say that you, as a westerner, are wrong. That there is something real going on that you do not understand, and that you are simply (arrogantly) superimposing your own hallucinatory consensus reality over theirs and scoffing at all that does not align with your absolute truth.
But I am not going to do this. Today, in Hinduism and in much of the world’s religions, superstition runs rampant, and people are wrapped up in individual and collective “astral hallucinations” of their own making. They literally create certain parameters for reality and program then into the collective astral experience, which gives them the results they expect. If they believe that if they don’t do this or that, then this or that god will punish them, rest assured the punishment will come and that there will be verifiable proof of its truth over and over again. This level of our quantum reality is accessible to everyone, and the same kinds of collective hallucinations are created in those societies which are certain they are too smart to be superstitious.
But I am not here to talk about astral hallucinations. I am here to talk about deities and their usefulness beyond superstition. First we begin with defining the deity.
A deity is a frequency. It is not an anthropomorphic form. As a form, it is a representation of a particular frequency or vibration, and the one who successfully accesses this frequency gains the benefit of overlapping their frequency with it.
That’s right, you are a frequency too. Before you are a form, you are a frequency. It is this frequency which endures when the form falls away, which goes on to the other forms. You are like the deity in this way. Unlike the deity, however, your frequency is less pure. The deity has a very particular kind of “information” that does not carry any fluctuations or interferences - no static. You are a frequency with static until you refine your frequency to be as pure as a deity’s. As you may guess, while this is possible, it is not an easy task, and, when looked at in terms of time, takes a very long time.
But there is no “you” just as there is no deity. There is only the deity's frequency, which humans have matched with a form or a carefully selected array of symbols. Each deity’s body size and shape, each object that it holds, and each of its accompanying animals was chosen to create a pictorial representation that best matches the frequency. Remember, the map is not the place it represents. It is only and always an approximation.
So to worship a deity is to connect to its frequency and overlap it with your own. This creates an attuning that adjusts your frequency to eliminate “undesired fluctuations.” Thus, if, for example, you “worship” the Ganesha (elephant headed god) frequency, you overlap with a stream of information that helps you become aware of the things inside of you, in the way you think and behave, that blocks you from healthy spiritual growth, or from successfully seeing yourself in the Whole of Existence. Through Ganesha you become more honest with yourself and more willing to abandon tendencies for stagnation and ignorance. Your mind is opened and broadened the more you spend time in the light that is his frequency.
To overlap with the frequency of a deity is quite simple, but it must remain simple. Hallucination comes when you start to impose your own preconceived ideas about overcoming obstacles (in the case of working with Ganesha) and creating additional ritualistic elaborations for achieving your goals. When this happens, you are actually creating more blockages with the mind. So it should be clear here that it is the mind (the small mind) which is the “problem.”
Therefore, when we sit in the light of the deity, we simply hold the intent in its simplest form, and drop the mechanisms of the small thinking mind. It isn’t easy, but there are tools to help us, the main one of which is mantra, or the repeating of sacred phrases.
The small mind manifests through chatter, through streams of language based thought. This thought must be interrupted for some time, so that we may successfully have our intent bring us into connection with the deity frequency.
We westerners are especially lucky to have Sanskrit mantra at our disposal, because its words do not evoke any personal stories that can distract us the way our mother tongue can. All we can know about any one particular mantra is its most basic paraphrased meaning or purpose. But the words themselves mean almost nothing to us.
As we chant the mantra - by speaking it or singing it - we hold the intention of its meaning in our awareness in a soft way, letting it permeate our being as if it were a light shining into and overlapping with our very cellular structure, and with the timeline that is our existence. We let the sounds be the focus of our small mind, allowing the string of verbal articulations to take us into a trance as this small mind is relaxed more and more.
Over time, when we really learn to let go with the small mind, we will start to notice a real shift in our consciousness, or in how we feel on the inside. This will be an indication that we have started to successfully connect with the deity (frequency).
We will also start to get spontaneous bursts of inspiration that will be in direct alignment with the mantra’s intention, as well as emotional releases as our system lets go of that which does not match the frequency to which we wish to attune ourselves.
If our mantra of choice is to a particular deity (not all mantras are) then we may use the image of the deity and hold it in our open eye vision, or imagine it with our eyes closed, to really be in its presence the way we would be in the presence of someone we love and trust.
Why do you think they made these frequencies into human form? They are much more relatable in this way. Take advantage of this - it’s not so easy to just be with the frequency in the beginning.
Over time, as you drop the “work” of the small mind, you will start to notice the difference between connecting to the frequency and imagining it. This will help you see that there is a lot more than superstition going on. When you get the hang of this, you can start to make your own frequencies, which are simply the feeling of a particular intention or vision with which you wish to align. When you know the feeling, the alignment will happen much faster.
I recommend trying it with the frequency of Love. Simply just feel love, alone and in silence, for a few minutes a day and let the changes in your life happen of their own spontaneous unfolding without your focusing and fixating on the particulars. As long as you work with what is true for you, the outcome will manifest, and the science of “deity worship” will become increasingly less mystifying to you.
I am an introvert. This is what I have told myself and everyone for a long time.
In this "long time," I have lived a very split life, one in which the divide between my inner world and “everything else out there” (there's so much of it) has been especially unmistakable. While this existence might have been based in an intention of self-preservation that was applicable in my youth, to continue living this way now will only hinder my expansion. Of this I am certain.
What does this mean for my introversion?
AM I REALLY AN INTROVERT or DID I JUST BECOME ONE TO FEEL SAFE???
What am I hiding from?
So, what was such a threat to you, Bard? You grew up in a middle class household. Your father always had a good income and was never drunk. And he even gave you regular physical affection and told you he loved you. Moreover, you were moralized by the Christian church. You got braces and went to university. You had access to regular health and dental care. Just like so many American white men from your generation, you had plenty, if not too much, to eat, among other opportunities...
The list goes on and on and on. Indeed, in so many ways I have been blessed with a great abundance. I have been protected and cared for, and I am grateful for this.
And, yet, I - I - have been under threat.
While I was given so much, and cared for lovingly and affectionately in ways many children might only see on TV, I was never asked what I wanted.
No one ever came to me first before "submerging" me in a component of their preconceived structure. It's bath time! No ifs ands or buts, mister! (The spell of naivety is an enduring but mutable human legacy.)
Just a Child! Ha!
Ah! But you were just a child! Children don’t really get to choose because they are too naive to understand the true consequences of their actions.
Does this mean that children are incapable of knowing what they want until they are told? This would certainly imply that humans themselves derive their desires from their conditioning, that, without being given options, they would not be able to choose.
While it is true that conditioning comes from an obvious need to give a framework for expressing and acting in a world where ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE, this does not mean that, once the child has adopted the framework and can express itself, that such expression should continue being discounted. It does not mean that the child should live under the threat of the mandating Dichotomy: do this or there will be grave consequences.
In fact, a very different type of conditioning could (okay, should) be implemented: coaching the child to express itself in a way that allows it to interface with its reality as an equal, not just as a subordinate.
This is what my introversion was. Incessant subordination. Secrecy. Shame. Self-sabotage. Wishing for more freedom. Ignorance that I was responsible for my own freedom, and so, copious amounts of anger and resentment towards those I believed to be the keepers of the key to all that I am...
...or could be.
You think I just sat around and took it, though? Nope! I would be happy, one way or another. I started getting in trouble for my efforts to find joy on my own terms. Because I was not conscious about what was really going on, it felt like I was getting in trouble for wanting to be happy. It's not like my parents or teachers were really trying to figure me out. It only got worse when, at the age of eleven (1994), my mom committed suicide. This gave every adult that knew about it an easy way out: "oh, he has just been so troubled since his mother passed." So glad your sympathy left me a little wiggle room.
Whatever it was they told themselves in order to justify continuing their agenda for "rearing" me, I did not stop wanting to derive genuine satisfaction from life, and I was willing to risk even greater and greater punishment to continue experiencing it.
Some kids in these situations lash out and become violent, sometimes going as far to end up in lock-down of some sort. This is where what I might call my natural tendency for introversion (before it was corrupted by Control) might have actually served me: instead of getting myself in the kind of lock-down situation that would really reduce my options for experiencing joy, I just learned how to become very quiet and secretive.
I became invisible. First to my parents and teachers - they were the most looming and vigilant authority - then, as time went on and the behavior became natural, to darn near everyone else.
It was imperative that they know as little as possible about me. The less they knew, the less they could suspect. All they needed to see was that I was a good student, I appeared to follow the rules without causing much trouble, that I was eating my vegetables, saying yes sir, yes ma’am, please and thank you, praying before bed, and washing my hands before meals. Sure they knew some other things. They knew the cartoons and video games I liked. They knew that I sometimes punched my little brother, or that I was curious about fire. They knew I loved playing in the woods. And they knew I was pretty apathetic about organized sports and church.
But they signed me up for football, basketball, and baseball every year. Church every Sunday. No joke.
More than they knew me, they knew what was good for me. They knew so well that they didn’t bother asking me. They just made the decisions and I did it. None of the decisions they believed to be for my own good brought me much joy. Or, rather, my joy was secondary (and self-generated), especially if it went against their BELIEFS. Most of the time, everything I wanted was like some kind of excess, some luxury that only came on very special occasions. Wow, I used to love Christmas for this reason.
They wanted so many good things for me. They wanted me to be well-rounded with strong morals and a healthy body. And they didn’t want me to go to hell. They wanted me to get good grades. They wanted me to do what it took to be successful. Surely it would make them feel good about themselves if they succeeded. The pressure was on!
But I was "too young" to be able to allot for their intentions. (And even then, their good intentions still paved the road to my own personal hell.) All I knew was the world was full of people who seem to have no intention of doing anything for me with the TRUE me in mind.
And I was not happy. (Surprise!)
And, yet, I was happy. I was happy when the adults were not around. I was happy when I was in my room and they couldn't see me. I was happy when I was so far in the woods I could imagine I was on my own and never coming back. Most of all, I was happy when I knew that I was - at least in the moment of execution - getting away with doing something that defied "the rules" as I understood them.
This last kind of freedom was the greatest of all, because it gave me the illusion that I was not only winning, but outsmarting them. It became transcendental bliss to break the rules, so much so that more and more of my joy started being derived from THIS and not (always) from doing what I really wanted. I barely knew what I wanted anyways, since the only time I was asked was when we were at the ice cream shop (You've earned it!), or around Christmas. I guess I thought people only wanted food and things, based on what I was allowed to want.
Living a (secret) life in defiance of those who try to shape your entire existence comes with a special price.
The farther you go, the more effort you must devote making sure you cover your tracks and get your story straight. The "story of you" you tell "the world out there" (whether or not that world actually is "unconcerned with you," or you just assume so) becomes not about who you are, but about who you aren’t. What do you not want them to know? Paranoia grows with time, and the monumental (emphasis on the mental) nature of the work is so overwhelming you resort to broad generalizations to save energy.
One very helpful generalization I used was in my application of distrust.
It became my standard that everyone was guilty until or unless proven innocent. There was me, then there was everyone else. There was my private life, and the life I wanted to show everyone else to keep them from even thinking about telling me how to live.
And the more I became used to operating in this way, the more unconscious and automatic it was. Really, it was always unconscious, as, at the time (I imagine) it was adopted, I could only perceive the Dichotomy that produces such overt self-protection: either this or that; there is no other way. The reaction was expressed through me without me having to plot anything out. It was just an organic development and incorporated itself into my being and became “normal.”
This was the true root of my "introversion," and it is why I have spent the last fifteen years actively trying to make some changes.
Because the isolation...
Imagine, if you haven’t experienced this, wanting so bad to connect with all the world by showing it how wonderful you are and reaping the joys of mutual adoration as you equally celebrate the wonders of it, yet finding yourself incapable of achieving this because there are these embedded unconscious mechanisms that keep “causing” you to sabotage yourself over and over and over again. It is a problem that is almost everywhere and all you want to do is strategize your way into extrication and (yet) every approach you take is always and only an almost. Ugh!
There has been a part of me that "knew" it was safer to withhold than to risk rejection. The problem was, I still experienced rejection by people who could not understand why I was so "distant."
I am sure the experience is much like being born paralyzed in some parallel world where medical science has figured out how to cure ALL paralysis...except that to do so requires not so much a mending of neural networks and the subsequent stimulation to activate them, but being able to perceive hidden (non-physical) mechanisms that are (as if from some other dimension) preventing the mending of these networks. Each combination of hidden mechanisms is different for each “patient,” and is based on their own life story. So the process discovering and deconstructing them is very time consuming and requires the patient to do far more work than the doctor. In fact, the doctor can only provide vague suggestions that are meant to trigger Remembering in the patient, who then must proceed to mend the networks themselves with tools they are expected to design and produce from their interior, since no one else is qualified to do so.
It's not just the human condition. There's vested interest in programming the labyrinth of Control. But it's not inescapable.
The True Light
Indeed. I have, for as long as I can remember, wanted to be a master at connecting with others not only because I was sick of the awkwardness, but because, in spite of this awkwardness, I couldn't help but fantasize that such connection is the pinnacle of human experience. It has been how I envisage enlightenment.
Relatively speaking, I have only just begun to experience a life in which seeing and being with others energizes and empowers me.
But, again, it was NOT because "the doctor" finally figured out how to fix me.
No one did anything for me.* It happened because I started learning to trust before I was given any reason to do so, so to speak. I have had to learn how to trust even after all the times I have experienced betrayal and abandon (often by people who did not understand the me that I did not share with them).
I have, in essence, had to learn to see my life for the thing that it really is outside these wounding incidents and take a greater responsibility for my Eternal Nature. I have had to envision my Highest Self and act as if It is real until its realness finally became apparent to me.
I am the bubble, and I am the sea.
Yeah! It's that simple! Ha!
No, okay, so...
Merging with the World and Letting Go
...To get to the point, no amount of blame is going to heal us. No matter how loud we scream at the ghost-memories of those that participated in our wounding (intentional or not), they will only stop haunting us when we take responsibility and change our mindset.
If you suspect your Intro-version is a version much like my own, and you are just dying to get out there and be awesome with and for the world, it starts with Forgiveness. Forgiveness by understanding. By forgiving, we transmute pain into wisdom. We find in pain the gift it has come to bestow upon us. We find this gift by holding the following assumption: that it is always there if we are willing to accept it.
This way, we allow ourselves the blessing of being able to see beyond blame.
Forgiveness is the gateway to Trust. It is the gateway to knowing when we can really trust, and to having the discernment to trust instead of just unconsciously responding to everything as if it is guilty until proven innocent.
When we relax the gripping and guarding that accompanies this unconscious self-protection, all of our dreams come true. We don’t even have to blame our parents or teachers for messing us up. We won’t want to if we have really come to wholeness because we will see and know/feel just how to appreciate what they have taught us.
If we, as a collective, don't want to repeat this behavioral Cycle for raising the next generation, a New Paradigm must be adopted. In this New Paradigm, children, being given opportunity to determine their destiny, grow up with a strong sense of self, and so, an accurate internal guidance. They know what they want and are celebrated for living a life that honors that. Their hearts are opened by the assurance that they are supported in their path to self-realization. And what a relief it will be for parents and teachers to not have to deal with maintaining the grip of Control they've kept for so long, trying to get it all right.
In Forgiveness I am given access to the present in all its fullness. I see at once I have every reason to be happy just as I am, and the joy is let loose as all restriction dissolves. This way, introvert or not, the world finally gets all of me.
Straight from the Heart.
Stay tuned for part two of this article, where I will elaborate on the benefits of operating from Trust.
*This is true beyond the metaphorical meaning. Most people knew so little about me that they never even had the chance to deny me help. This really has been a solo journey for a long time. That said, the more I have opened up and accepted help from others in recent years, the more accelerated has been my spiritual/personal growth.
Copyright © 2018
Greetings! I am Svarupa Prathama. I am here on this planet in service to share the messages that come through me in writing and in song. Please know that I am speaking with a kind of metaphor or symbolism when I write, as I do my best to bring forth ideas that English is not so well equipped to describe. I do not claim to be an expert in anything. (I feel that no one can honestly be an expert, but that something that relatively appears to be expertise can be achieved in certain endeavors.) I am simply translating messages that come through me that I feel reveal something interesting or important about the nature of reality. This is not exactly about sharing facts with you, but about expanding how you see and feel the world. My hope is to take you beyond the limitations created by our current cultural models of reality into a deeper understanding that affords greater creativity, self expression, and understanding of the world outside our body/mind.
Copyright © 2019